Hello friends,

I hope all had a good day today. It was a wonderful Sunday here in the desert southwest. This wacky weather were having all over the country has me worried a tiny bit! Nevertheless the countdown continues to wind down. Now I have only have three full days to get all my loose ends tie-up. I spent the whole day sorting my tools and rigging a box for my truck to store them in. I went shopping yesterday and bought my camping gear and survival items for the trip. A new tent and sleeping bag for Juan!

I had some repairs to do here in this house I’ve been renting since I got back from Hawaii. It was a nice place to stay with plenty of room for me and my girl Kalani Kai! Also has a nice pool and courtyard for me to chill after a long day at work. I won’t live in the desert anymore without a pool! The summers in Arizona are too darn hot!

I received a call from Spanish television network Univision on Friday and they will be here tomorrow to conduct an interview in the front courtyard. If Im fortunate, the story it could go national! Im excited about the coverage from the Latin nation media outlets, hopefully it will boast my Spanish blog a bit more. Im fluent in both languages, but my Spanish writing needs some work. Even more than my English! I hope by the end of the tour both pages will be more polished. Practice, practice!

As I promised last post I will lighten the mood now that I’m done with my bio. Im getting really excited and nervous by the day! I can’t believe that’s its really going to happen now soon! It started so simple, as just a passing thought on a sleepless night back in October! But what really makes me feel so good inside is all the positive feedback, goodwill, and well wishes that I continue to receive, not just from my family and friends but also from complete strangers! The love has been humbling and greatly appreciated by yours truly.

Now these are the pictures of my four grandbabies I promised you! I don’t get to see them too often since they live in California, but I make it a point to go there at least twice a year.

They all belong to my oldest son Anthony and his wife Melina. The oldest is Isaiah, 15 years old and a freshman in high school. He is super smart and the local spelling bee champ! I could definitely use his help with this blog! He is shy and quiet most of the time and is a great help with his younger brothers. I don’t know what he wants to be when he grows up, but with his brain, the world will be his oyster!

Next is Josiah, he would have been six this year, but is resting eternally in our hearts and minds, never to be forgotten. We miss him so.

Then there is Jordan, he is two. I call him ‘Chiclets’, because of his toothy smile! He is a character and looks a lot like my youngest Jonathan. He likes when I visit because I feed him all the forbidden foods when his mom is not watching. That’s our little secret! He is about to walk, so watch out world!

Finally there is Jaden. He just turned one and is a handsome, happy baby! And he definitely has the hair gene, on both sides of the family! He’s a big boy, so nobody better mess with his brothers, or else!

I keep waiting for a granddaughter someday, but I think these kids are done. I’ll just have to wait for Vanessa or Jonathan to step up to the plate!

Well folks that’s all for tonight, Im a bit worn out from the day and working on only a few hours of sleep.

As a special bonus, I included a picture of my little girl Kalani, and a video on my video page!

Good night and thanks for your time. Asta!

Juanjohn

Good morning friends,

I hope all are well. I haven’t been able to sleep much lately due to the butterflies in my tummy and the excitement now building as I approach my last few days here at home. This is my last weekend here and I still have lots to do to prepare! Im really going to miss my bed, and my doggie Kalani!

I will continue with this last post concerning my history.

And so as I painfully recall the events of my destructive, selfish actions from that time, I still cringe every time I reflect on the matter, even now twenty years later. I hope when you finish reading this page you could see that in the end, all of us involved, recovered, grew and are still enjoying solid relationships with each other.

Back to the story. Once I carried out my plan to dissolve my union, I spent the next few months fooling around with this young girl. What kind of relationship could we possibly have? I got what I wanted I guess, but at what cost? What value did I put in my relationships with my family, friends and most of all, my three kids? These very some people who had always been there to support me through my struggles and my times of need, now turned away with shame. Who could blame them? I let them all down in a major way. What possible justification could I have for such erroneous conduct?

They were after all the very same loving, caring individuals who carried me and my children through the failure of my first marriage. The ones who praised and thought highly of me as I rose from the ashes of that fiasco eight years earlier. My mother and sisters who had helped me so much with Anthony and Vanessa during their forming years, becoming surrogate mothers, all in their own special ways, took it the hardest. Our relations were strained for months, to say the least. My wife settled back into her house with her mother’s help and did her best to heal from her breaking heart. Only she could tell of her own experience, all due to my actions.

Meanwhile, as time passed and the futility of continuing this distorted fling with this other girl surfaced. Looking in the mirror one day, I finally saw what everybody else was seeing. My family, friends, coworkers and my kids saw it all along, it was I who was living and seeing the world with a selfish, delusional lens. Once I was able to admit to myself that my actions had cause so much emotional pain and destruction to so many people and realize that I and I alone was the cause. So finally I slowing started coming to my senses. And when I did, the severity of the damage I created sunk in. I didn’t sleep or eat for days. I cried every time I looked my kids, just thinking of the pain and embarrassment I was putting them through. Anthony and Vanessa were teens now and were well aware of my shenanigans. Johnny was four and wasn’t old enough to absorb the chaos around him. I know the other two kids did. They suffered in silence, enduring the humiliation I had laid upon them. Being the loyal, good hearted kids they were, they said nothing to my face. They deserved better.

One night during my sleepless episodes, the reality finally hit me like a ton of bricks. All the time and effort I had spent the major part of my life trying to escape my father’s legacy was all just a waste. I had become what I had despised the most, my father’s duplicate copy. At least he never pretended to be anything other than what he was, but I for my part was a complete hypocrite!  I had to make things right again. So I painfully began to try to rebuild my life one step at a time. First I had to end the adulterous affair.

I called her the next day and told her we had to talk. I went to her apartment and ended the relationship. I apologized to her and told her that I was to blame for everything. It was a good step but not anywhere near what needed to be done

After that my wife and I tried some counseling to see if there was any chance of salvaging the marriage. Obviously the damage was too much to overcome for her and I realized I was doing it mostly out of a guilty conscience.  And that was the biggest residual affect the whole experience left me with, guilt.

I had been through this before with my first marriage, but now I was seeing it and feeling it from the other side. Not as the innocent victim, but as the guilty party. So after a few sessions the counseling collapsed. Any hope of fixing or reconciliation ended. There I was alone with my three children, sad, embarrassed and crushed with a guilty conscience. My finances also collapsed due to my recklessness. Within an 18 month span I lost my truck and our house to foreclosure. We ended up back under my mother’s roof once again.  My life was a mess, and I had no one to blame but myself. I was reaping what I sowed.

I continued seeing the sociologist alone, something I never imagined that I would ever do. She diagnosed me with clinical depression and put me on a strict diet of happy pills. I couldn’t see the light in that darkness that over took me those long months.  

Over time I began to feel better after many nights of beating myself up with shame and self-loathing. People around me started to come around once again as I desperately tried to make amends with all the people I had hurt.  I devoted myself entirely to raising my kids. Anthony and Vanessa were in high school and stayed busy with sports and part time jobs. I spent the next two years just working and staying home with little Jonathan. Time and a contrite heart would prove to be the best remedy for healing myself and those closes to me. But would take years and tears to for me to look in the mirror and feel good about myself once again.

By 1999 the new century was near and I was busy with life again. It was the most painful period of my life. Something I would never want to repeat again. The best thing that I could say now about that era is the way my ex-wife and I recovered. We vowed early on after the dust had settled on our failed marriage, that we would make Johnny’s life as positive and loving as two divorced person could possibly create. And we succeeded. Our son grew up a happy, loving, stable child. He excelled in school and sports and is a fine productive member of society to this day. He never heard or saw us fight or exchange any unpleasantness towards each other. Not once. We sat together with him through school events, sports activities and his own personal achievements. It is the small silver lining that I hang on to.

Well friends that is all for my history for now. I hope I didn’t offend too many.

Next up, my grandkids. I will post a page devoted to the next!

Thanks,

Juanjohn

Hello friends,

It’s been a busy few days here in Tucson as I prepare for my last week at home. I had a great opportunity to be on the television on KVOA -4 and I recorded a segment with PBS Radio. So thanks go out to both stations for taking interest and a shout out to Edgar Ybarra and Tony Paniagua respectively! I’ll try not to let you guys down.

 Just so know, many people ask why I chose the fifth of May to depart. Most assume because it is Cinco de Mayo that it has some political overtones, after all I am half Mexican! The answer is no. I chose May because I calculated it would be the optimal time to travel on this journey. Also my lease is up on the fourth of the month, so I will hit the road on the fifth!

This will be my last two posts concerning my personal history. I will finish tonight with my timeline at about 1997. You see, I had an idea, one of the pages in this site titled book #2 is called the ‘The Crossword’. It is what I call a semi-autobiographical love story. I wrote this manuscript in Hawaii and San Francisco last year. A part fiction part true to life story about the last sixteen years in my life. So there will be no more post concerning those years. You will have to wait until I publish it after the tour!

Truth be told, it has been difficult for me to open up those doors and emotional wounds about my past. If you have followed along the last six or seven pages you’ve seen the pain and hurt I’ve endured and regretfully inflicted on others. No post has been as difficult to write as the one Im typing now…hence the title, My Darkest Hours.

Still Im glad I went back and revisited some of those experiences with you. I believe it was good to talk it out with you good folks and I hope I have come through a better person because of it, especially the last five years. One is never too old to change I pray.

Last I left you in 1994, I had a change of heart concerning my baby momma. Against all naysayers we both took the plunge in September of that year. We had a nice ceremony at the local VFW club and had a blast at the reception afterwards. Everything and everybody seemed happy and content that we finally ended the years of a back and forth relationship and settled down to unite the family. No one was happier than my new wife. She and her two boys and Jonathan moved in with the three of us in our home. My kids seemed fine with the situation and I believed were happy to have a mother figure back in their lives. She to her credit was a wonderful step mom to Anthony and Vanessa and their quickly warmed up to her. I being the disciplinarian that I was, was a good counter balance to my more compassionate wife. She also embraced my style of parenting, seeing her boys were a little rough around the edges. The amazing part was how all five kids just blended well together. You would have never guessed they were all step kids! The seven of us just flowed. Everything ran smoothly at work and at home. There was peace and harmony.

We enjoyed family functions, trips and just the normal down time of a nice family life. We managed the kids between both our work schedules and enjoyed a good life style money wise, since both of us were working full time and receiving child support at the time. We had a savings account for the first time in our lives and I was adding on to the house. I even bought an old truck to fix up some day. Everybody was doing fine, everybody but me….

It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was not happy. All I could think about was that I should’ve listened to my better judgement and my sisters.  The wonderful world that we created for these kids was just a house of cards. I couldn’t help or hide my lack of emotions or feelings for my wife. Try as I did, I couldn’t force it or fake the affection for her she so desperately longed for. Laura knew the nuptials didn’t prove to be the secret elixir she had hoped for. And I for my part should have known better than to talk myself into feelings that never really existed. Still I kept I straight face to everybody and she hoped that someday I would come around. In one of our biggest arguments she told me:

“Why did you marry me if you didn’t love me, why?”

Her pain and sorrow ran deep. I responded:

“Why did you accept my proposal, knowing I didn’t?”

It was a quagmire. A stalemate. Still we pressed on for months. Then years. She didn’t want to face the prospect of living the rest of her life with a man who didn’t love her, and I couldn’t bear the thought either. We were living like siblings raising a family. Polite, cordial but not emotionally connected. The resentment on both sides increased with time. The house of cards was about to come down.

One morning I sat outside the store on my break as I usually did. The sun was warm and sky was clear. I looked up to the sound of laughter and over my sports page I noticed the source coming from a beautiful young clerk. We made eye contact and the rest was history. I was 34, she was 20. I had five kids at home, she had one. I had a wife, she had a live in boyfriend. I didn’t care, neither did she.

I to this day cannot totally explain how quickly I bailed on my marriage. With a swift, cold, calculating and callous manner I ruthlessly dismantled my marriage and young family. Within a period of four or five weeks I pushed my wife out of my house and back to hers. Despite her and my family’s pleas for my return to sanity, I forged ahead with my shameful conduct. In those moments I turned I deaf ear to everybody who meant something to me. I didn’t care about the collateral damage I was inflicting, especially on all the kids, who were then ages 16 to 3 years old. My distorted rational about the situation was cut and dry, as I pitifully tried to reason or bullshit my course of actions to others.

“I never loved her, and she knows it.” I would say. She has her house, and I had mine. She has her kids and I have mine. And Jonathan, well we’ll just split him, I reasoned. I was a disgrace. My mother was crushed by my actions. She would not look me in the eyes or speak to me for a long time.  My sisters understood to a point. They all knew we were doomed to fail, but were not expecting me to end it in such a cowardly, selfish manner. They also were ashamed and hurt by my folly. Still I continued forward with my relationship with this girl. Although she would never move in with us, we continued the obviously lustful fling for months. We were out to prove to the world that we really had something special between us. How foolish and self-centered I had become in a span of eight years.

And boy was there talk around the stores we both worked in, and rightly so. See my past was well known and so was hers. Many of our friends and coworkers knew about my experience with Dora and hers with her ex. Some ascribe to the world of Karma and chalked it up to the “What goes around, comes around” mentality. How could I, they wondered, having been a victim of my first wife’s treachery, turn around and do the same to another? Or worse…

It was a bad time in my life, but the darkness had not yet ascended upon my soul. The worst was yet to come for me still. I would have to answer for a lot of my stupid, self-inflicted conduct.

I will conclude next time with part two.

Good night

Juanjohn

Hello friends,

I hope everybody had a good weekend! My two older kids, Anthony and Vanessa were in town for a quick visit. I did a lot of cooking on Sunday for a dinner party and spent most of the today cleaning! It was good to see them, we don’t get together too often. I will see them again on my trip.

When I last wrote about my personal history, it was pretty much a mess. I wish I could say that it was a phase in my life, but unfortunately there is more of my dysfunctional pattern to come.

I started working in my new store with hopes of beginning anew. A clean slate and a fresh start is what I was envisioning with the transfer. But I packed my problems with me and my self-destructive behavior continued. I met a new friend. in the breakroom soon after. She was married at the time with two boys, four and eight years of age. She was and is a shy, quiet and good hearted person. She worked in the deli dept. and we spoke often at lunch or break. I was single and wild, and my reputation by then had followed me across town from my last store.

We began to talk more intimately about each other’s lives and got comfortable very quickly. She had a good sense of humor and I enjoyed making her laugh. I noticed she displayed at moments a sad, depressed outlook, especially towards her relationship with her husband. And as those things often evolve, I became her sounding board and pseudo counselor.  I had only good intentions then and shared my experiences about my own breakup with her. She was twenty three and I was twenty nine. She also admired me for me assuming responsibility for my kids and thought I was wise beyond my years. Over the next few weeks she always found time to search me out and would even come visit me on her days off. I was dating someone then, and  she was always interested in hearing about my sexual exploits.

Our conversations began to darken as she confessed her unhappiness with her marriage and hints of a possible dissolution soon followed. At that point I started to feel uncomfortable a bit and always tried to help her see the positive side of her dilemma. She was not deterred. I recognized the symptoms of a lonely, dissatisfied wife. I was very familiar with all the signs she was displaying. At that point, in hind sight, I should have tucked and ran. But I didn’t.

One Saturday night I had a small gathering at my house, as bachelors often do. To my surprise she and one of her co-workers showed up at the party. I could tell she didn’t drink often and felt out of place a bit. At the end of the night she and her friend were the last to leave. That’s when in her tipsy state, she confessed her true feelings for me. I was not surprised, I saw it coming from a distance. Then the situation at work changed. I was not exclusive with anyone then and her pursuit intensified. She lost a lot of weight quickly and even changed her way of dressing. All within months of meeting her.

One day she announced to me that she was separating and was going to file for divorce. I looked into her eyes and told her if I was the reason, then she should think twice. She laughed and nervously played it off. She said it was a marriage doomed to fail and that I had nothing to do with her decision. But I knew deep inside what her motives were. Then things began to move quickly. She put her husband out of the house and pushed the final divorce through as fast as possible. I just watched from the sidelines as I continued to purse my own selfish interest with other ladies.

After the ink was dry on the split, she set her sights on me. And I in my egotistical frame of mind enjoyed the attention. I was full throttle into the “Player” gear, so  she was to me just another woman to have fun with. And we did. After all, she was young, beautiful and fun to be around with. We started to see each other often and hung out at my house with our kids. After a few weeks we became exclusive and I introduced her to my family, and she to hers. Our kids got along well and my mother thought well of her, although she was still leery of her recent divorce. Still deep inside, I couldn’t find the feeling needed to make the relationship advance to the next level. I liked her and I liked a lot about her, but I was not in love. Not even a little.

After time, the irresponsible adults that we were, it would only prove more complicated when she found out that she was expecting. The most difficult part was that she knew of my feeling for her, or lack thereof and so did my family. After a year of being together, I couldn’t help but feel the way I did and often told her to her face. She would tell me she understood and that she was a big girl now and could handle the consequences. Unfortunately having a baby under those conditions was not ideal and was setting the stage for a disastrous eventual outcome. We both were playing with fire, and neither of us had an escape plan.

Surprisingly as she entered her last two trimesters I found myself very attached to her side. I was really excited about my new child that was coming and was overjoyed when we discovered it was a boy! On July 30^th 1993 my son, Jonathan David Bayardo was introduced to the world. I was thrilled! He was healthy and handsome. Hazel eyes and curly hair were his traits. It was love at first sight with my son. Unfortunately for her, I just faded back into my Bachelor routine after she gave birth. I was always responsible for my new son and helped her and supported her in every way I could. Still I had no intentions of ever being more than just her “Baby daddy”. As I drifted more and more away from her emotionally, her feelings turned to resentment and anger. Somehow I believed she hoped that the birth of our son would have enact a change in my feelings for her. It didn’t.

So for the next year and a half we shared our baby boy without any conflicts. Even both our mothers chipped in and helped take care of him for us. All along she pressed me to reconsider my feelings and position towards her. I was not budging. So many times when we would meet to exchange the baby, a fight would result from the heated discussions about my exploits.

After a time I started to reflect upon my feelings and began to have a change of heart. With help from a spiritual advisor and seeing her for what she really was. A responsible, kind and loving mother and human being. I started to second guess my position and felt that maybe I was still making others pay for my broken heart that Dora had left me with. Here was just the right woman for me, and I was letting a good thing pass because of my selfish, self-centered attitude. All I heard from that little voice in my head was that I needed to “Do the right thing” and ask her to marry me. Five kids seemed daunting I thought, but I could handle it I concluded. So I called her to over to my house to talk.

She came the next night and I surprised her with an awkward, stale proposal. She didn’t care. she was overjoyed. She cried as she heard explain my sudden change of heart. She didn’t care the reason at that moment, she just heard the bells ringing! She said yes, and off we went to plan a ceremony. The next day I told my mother and sisters. They were more shocked than happy. I called my older sister in San Diego, the one who would surely understand me I thought, and the first words out of her mouth were: “Who put you up to this?” “Don’t let anyone talk you into this decision”.  My family was so not expecting this move from me, after all I just spent the last two years telling them all how little I felt for her. Still they tried to reason with me in a loving concerning, manner. And so did her mother. “Damm the torpedoes, full steam ahead”. I was unreasonable and stubborn once I made my mind up, and she wasn’t going to let anyone tell her otherwise. We set the date for four months down the road for September 1994. This time it’s going to be different I promised myself and my bride to be.

Stay tuned my friends. Have a good night and a great tomorrow.

As always, thanks for your time.

Juanjohn